Retrospecting ...

It is saturday night, so as is customary, I did a lot of nothing. This morning I went to a diaconate ordination in the beautiful cathedral in Altoona, PA. It was very inspirational. However, afterwards, as I stated before, I did nothing for a while.

One productive thing that came out of my night was that I read through a bunch of my old posts on here. Doing that has the same effect that reading through a journal has - it helps you see how you have changed and how far you've come.

This is how I'm feeling now:

I'll tell you flat out
it hurts so much to think of this
so from my thoughts I will exclude
the very thing that
I hate more than everything is
the way I'm powerless
to dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
so many things that could've been much more
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

when I go down
I go down hard
and I take everything I've learned
and teach myself some disregard
when I go down
it hurts to hit the bottom
and of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
into a place where
peace can search me out and find
that I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
the hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
so many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
the secret to find an end to this
and I just pray
my problems go away if they're ignored
but that's not the way it works
no that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
while my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
reprimands me
then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
yet you love me
and that consumes me
and I'll stand up again
and do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
you touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
as I exhale I hear your voice
and I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
and from my lips the words I choose to say
seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
because I love you
oh God, I love you
and life is now worth living
if only because of you
and when they say I'm dead and gone
it won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I life my eyes up to you
I won't look very far
cause you'll be there
with open arms
to lift me up again
to life me up again

- Relient K, When I Go Down

Basically, looking at my life and where God has brought me, it's pretty interesting. I changed musically, politically, socially, academically, emotionally, and most important, spiritually. However, I'm the same person. God created each of with every single one of our traits, features, and idiosyncrasies in mind. He loves us and made us all out of love. No matter what happens and what we do, God will love us. Our goal is to fall more and more in love with Him while we're on Earth and then spend forever with Him in Heaven.

I don't even know where I'm going with this. It's crazy to contemplate. I am the same person I have always been, but I'm doing something totally different with my life than what I planned and I'm in a totally different place in my relationship with God. It's amazing and terrifying at the same time.

Being a priest is a desire that God has put in my heart and only made stronger while I've been here. Sure there are good things outside of the priesthood, but I think I'll fulfill the purpose I was made for here. I can only pray that God will keep on guiding me.

It's easy to fake our way through life. Going from school to work to whatever, only living for what comes easy. The message that I'm finally getting to in this post is that life isn't easy and it will never be perfect. We will never be perfect - but we have to try. That's the only thing that will have a positive effect on the world and enable us to look past the evils of this life and see the reality that we were created for: LOVE.

WE HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH GOD.